Well, here we are with another update. My wife and I have been talking and we are both happy with our decision some months on from choosing a poly lifestyle. And something very unexpected has happened. My wife has befriended what is commonly known in open relationship circles as a 'Unicorn' - a hot, single female looking for a couple to play with/share their love with. I don't think my wife will be interested in her, she's still trying to get over her other
What can I say? I'm no Cleo Bachelor of the Year and have never, until the past few weeks, had the pleasure of being pursued by someone as beautiful (and downright sexy) as this person. It's taken me a good few weeks just too deflate my head enough just to be able to get out of my home! We've exchanged photos but have yet to meet. She should be coming around fairly soon and we'll see if there's an emotional connection there too (fingers crossed).
At the very least, I should get to sleep with her at least once and this will be the very first test of our open relationship at least as far as sex is concerened. Hopefully though we'll get at least a friendship out of this if not an ongoing relationship. Prior to this, it has all been one-sided desires for other people. How will we both react when it's actually done? Will I be able to go through with it? Will everything change afterwards? It will never be the same but will it change for the better? Worse?
Either way, I feel it is time to test this out and see if we really are up to an open relationship. As I said earlier, even if we end up with just a friendship and nothing more, we would have put out relationship to it's first true test. I'll keep you posted!
Ciao
Shadow
Across the various different poly sites in the past few months, I
have been seeing more and more posts about swinging vs. polyamory.
Mostly, it is people in pure-poly relationships complaining that
people who primarily have a swinging lifestyle are using the term
'poly' when they aren't really.
This is a fair and valid point. It seems that now swinging
is more accepted than it used to be and certain members of the
swinging community liked the idea of being part of something
'underground' and generally not accepted by the mainstream.
Thus, they started calling themselves 'polyamorists' when all they
really want is sexual relationships with no meaningful bond between
partners.
But where does that leave people in a true open relationship like
ours? Yes, we are allowed to find other partners to share the
rest of our lives with (i.e. polyamory). But we are also
allowed to find casual sexual relationships where there is lasting
emotional bond between the partners and where we can all join in
(i.e. swingers). Are we thus swingers? Polyamorists?
Fruit cakes? Are we all three?
Can we call ourselves poly without being frowned upon by the
purists? Are the purists right in saying that polyamory can
only include relationships where there is a love between long-term
partners? Surely they have to agree that there are many types
of love, including sexual. Isn't swinging just a way of sharing
this sexual love? Therefore, swinging is a form of polyamory.
I think the problem with Polyamory is that the definition is too
broad. The English language only has one word to define love.
But there are so many types of love. Love between parents and
children. Love between siblings. Love between friends
(not sexual/intimate in any way). Love between partners.
I could go on. So, Polyamory is 'many loves'. But what
loves? It could be argued that all families are
polyamorists. A father loves his wife, children and parents.
Therefore, many loves, therefore polyamory. But this isn't what
polyamory is. It's about romantic attachments between
consenting partners.
It also doesn't help that there are so many different
organisations and groups all claiming to be the main poly group.
Each has it's own symbol (I've come across at least 10 symbols so
far) and definitions of what polyamory is. Being so open and
trying to include as many types of people as possible is great, but
is also what's holding things back. With the gay community,
there are well defined sub-groups. Bi, Trans, Straight, Pan.
With polyamory it's almost on a per-relationship basis. We
allow anything The next couple will only allow sexual
relationships within the group. The next will allow sexual
relationships with anybody but no serious relationships outside the
group.
I'm proud to be a part of this polyamory movement. I don't
hold the belief that is forced upon us by religion or popular
culture. So long as no one gets hurt and I can share my love
with multiple partners, why shouldn't I.
Enough for now. I hope this will elicit some discussion.
Shadow
Happy New Year to everyone! A big hello to ArchAngel, sorry I didn't notice your replies earlier (hope you're still checking in from time to time). A few things to get off my chest this time.
And now the news (I've always wanted to say that). My wife still hasn't made any headway with her man. I think she's coming to grips with the fact he won't take her as a partner. Which is a pity -I know how much she really loves him. And I have been rejected by the person I was really interested in... OK, I was (am?) in love with her.
And speaking of that, What is the difference between love and being in love? I think it comes down to one thing: to love someone, you love them in spite of their faults. To be in love with someone, you need to love them BECAUSE of their faults. Right now I am trying to come to grips with being rejected and trying to sort out my mess of emotions. Am I in love with this person? Was it just wanting what I cannot have? Who knows, I know I sure as hell don't.
Something I have learnt is that it really is important in this lifestyle that you both be fully into it. If one of you isn't really into the poly lifestyle, it can make it soo much harder. I know the amount of crap my wife has had to put up with after I was rejected (and she is still putting up with it). And I have had to put up with quite a bit of her emotional baggage. It just makes it easier to deal with the pain and emotions when you a re turned down. If either one of us wasn't so supportive, it could lead to friction and feelings of resentment. This in turn could lead to a breakdown of the primary relationship (if that's the style of poly you are going for, as we have). If either one of you isn't quite sure, I'd take things very, very slowly until you are both sure this is what you want.
Being a rather nerdy-type (read: can't pickup in normal life!), my wife has suggested signing up for a dating website. But then, how do you mark yourself? Single? Separated (you need to explain the shiny ring of skin on your finger somehow!)? Do you join an adult "dating" site? In our case, this wouldn't be a problem anyway as one-nighters are fine. I might join an adult site and see where that leads me. I was a member back when I was single. Will update you more later!
Something that concerns me is the rule that many people seem to have that they don't date friends of friends. I WANT my other partner(s) to be a friend of my wife and I want to be friends with my wifes partners. Hell, we want a 5 bedroom house so our other primaaries can move in with us, and you NEED to be friends for that sort of commintment. It would be nice if they would share intimate moments together with us but that isn't necessary. If the only reaason they are turning you down is beacuse of that rule, then they are missing out on somethin wonderful. I really hope that is not the reason behind either of us being turned down.
Ciao
Shadow
Well, it's been a while since my last post so it's about time for
an update. We had my potential new partner round for dinner the
other week. However I didn't get around to asking her out - she
was in the middle of a rather nasty incident with her ex. The
topic of relationships did come up however and we told her about our
choice of relationship types.
Luckily, so far, everybody we have come out to have been
supportive of our decision. Some were rather sceptical at first
until we went into how we had setup rules and boundaries and how we
had taken our time coming to this decision. We know that some people
don't have it aas easy as we have. Although having said that,
most of our friends are in their early twenties and so are more
receptive to alternative relationships. I suspect when (if) we
come out to our families, things will be very different. My
wife's side is primarily Catholic Italian so that's going to be
rather difficult. Some of my family are rather religious too so
that should be interesting. Anyway, I think we're staying "In
the Closet" to our families until we have both had a chance to
date a few people to see if it's what we really want. Unless of
course we get caught out on a date or something. That
would be rather awkward.
Till Next Time
Shadow
Well, after dicsussing our boundaries and rules for the opening up
of our 2 year old marriage we are about to take the plunge.
There is a lovely young woman who has had my eye for some time and I
can now do something about it. If I can get the chance to talk
to her, I am going to ask her out tonight.
This is going to be difficult. She is actually a friend of
both myself and my wife - she doesn't know about our open
relationship. Yet. My wife does know how I feel about her
and is OK with me asking her out. So I have a double whammy. I
have to tell her about our open relationship, which always has the
opportunity to turn out badly. If I don't do this, she'll most
likely assume that I am attempting to cheat on my wife. This is
definitely NOT a good thing when you're putting it all out there.
Talking about 'putting it all out there', I also have the age
old dilemma of putting my heart on the line and at her mercy.
If she says "No", I'll be devastated. But now I have
someone who can console me - my lovely caring wife. Something I
never had when I was single all those years ago.
If she says "Yes", then we will have to start dealing
with all the things we have talked about. So far all of our
rules, boundaries and "I am positive I have no issues with you
sleeping with, falling in love with anybody" have been mostly
theoretical. Will we be able to handle it? Have we
set down a framework that is suitable? What about the New
Relationship Energy? Scheduling?
Anyway, the above paragraph might just be purely academic -
there's a chance she will say "No". I always thought
I would be less anxious asking out someone now that we have this open
relationship as I have my wife to come home to. But having the
whole coming out AND asking out in one in go... damn. I'm like
a high school kid asking the hottest girl in the grade if she'd want
to go to the formal with me.
I am hoping she says "Yes", for more than the fact I get
to share some of my life with her. It will give us a chance to
test our open relationship in a relatively safe way. As she is
a friend of both of us, we both know her. We both know where
she is coming from and what she's like. To a certain extent.
Anyway, lets see how we go.
Ciao for now
Shadow
Just came across this in the news this morning:
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/865584/mistresses-entitled-to-family...
It appears as though the law is starting to recognise multiple spouses. Some people in society appear to be heading in the right direction although as stated in the article, it is mostly intended for couples who have separated but not divorced. But it's a move in the right direction.
Ciao
Shadow
Well, when I got married I thought I had finished with all the
hassles of dating. Nope... Now that we're free to date again,
all those things came back. Only now, we're hit twice.
First you get all the usual rejections and disappointments.
You can spend a lot of time investigating in a potential relationship
only to have it rejected for all the old reasons - "I like you
as a friend but...", "You're like a sister/brother to me"
or my persona"favourite" "You're a nice guy/girl
but...". Luckily we now have someone to rely on who we are
romantically involved in that can fall back on for support when
things don't quite go as planned. This certainly softens the
blow.
Secondly, you have the very high possibility that the person who
you have really become attached to being turned off by your choice of
lifestyle. Polyamory is still looked very poorly upon by the
vast majority of society, even those who should know better or claim
they are "open minded" about relationships. The only
real way to avoid this is to only proposition people you know are
into poly - this can be very difficult. The best way would be
to introduce the topic in a non-threatening way in a general
discussion. You don't have to mention that you are in a
polyamorus relationship if the other person appears turned off by
it. You may have "read about it in a paper" or
"overheard someone talking about it in the pub". This
will give you an indication as to where things might head if you
brought up the topic.
Anyway, till next time
Mr Shadow
G'Day,
Just a quick note to anybody who may come across this. My wife
and I are new to open marriage/polyamory. After some recent events where
we both started developing and pursuing our feelings for other people, we
decided that rather than cheat on each other, split up or deny ourselves our
feelings we would give this a go. As it turns out, these people weren't
interested in our approaches. Never mind, plenty more fish in the sea.
We are pondering how to come out and who to come out to.
Obviously, people who we are wanting to bring into the relationship need to
know. My best friends know and so does the person I was interested in (it
wasn't our choice of lifestyle that turned her off btw - she just wasn't into
me 'that way'). Family could be difficult, but it is something we were
aware of before deciding to live an alternative lifestyle. Some conservative
friends could be difficult too. So why did we decide on this alternative
lifestyle? We both have a belief that there is more than one love out
there for any single person.
And like parents who have, and love EQUALLY, multiple children, why
can't we do the same with our loves? Of course, this also has a side
effect for our marriage. While it is still technically possible to cheat
in an open relationship, we don't need to be concerned about it as we know that
if either one of us is going to, or has; slept with someone or gone on dates
with another person we would tell each other. NO more staying up late
wondering where she is and why there are large/suspicious amounts of money
missing from the bank account. I know she'll tell me. This removes
one area of stress in a traditional marriage. How many times have you
heard at the local cafe (or in Hollywood movies) someone complaining to their
friend that (s)he is concerned their partner is cheating on them. I will
know when my wife is 'cheating' with someone... she'll come right out and tell
me. My wife will know when I’m in a bar picking up because I'll tell her
before I go out that if I get the chance, I'll pickup. It's all about
communication.
Neither of us has actually gone the whole nine yards and started a
relationship, or slept with anybody else so we are yet to come across the jealousy
aspect of this relationship. I am a naturally joust person however; I
have no joust feelings about my wife being with someone else either sexually or
emotionally. We have a rule that cannot be broken - the marriage comes
first. Yes, we are one of those people who have a hierarchical
relationship structure. If ever there are any troubles in the marriage or
either one of us is uncomfortable with the others partner/activities, the
secondary relationship gets put on hold. Sounds harsh, but we are not
going to jeopardize our marriage. We love each other far too much.
Anyway, that'll do for now. I have some thoughts and concerns
about public and workplace views on our chosen alternative lifestyle but that
can wait for another time.
Cheers
MrShadow
