My partner and I are looking for a bisexual woman to complete our family. Do you have any advice for us?
How do you deal with jealousy?
What are some of the biggest issues polyamorists face?
How do you decide who sleeps where when?
Do polyamorous relationships last?
My partner and I are looking for a bisexual woman to complete our family. Do you have any advice for us?
This is a common question. Many heterosexual couples who are dissatisfied with monogamy go looking for a bisexual woman to fill a need in their relationship. Many couples feel that they have a lot to offer a single woman and become disheartened with the struggle to find and maintain a long-term relationship with a third party.
Unfortunately the number of couples looking for a single bisexual woman outweighs the number of single bisexual women looking for a couple by a very significant factor. Bisexual women interested in heterosexual couples can afford to be very choosy, especially if they happen to be Hot Bi Babes. (Polyamorists sometimes refer to 'single hot bi babes looking for couples' as 'unicorns', being similarly mythical.)
One of the traps that couples can fall into is that of thinking primarily from the point of view of their own relationship. As a couple you create an image of what you want and it is tempting to try to find a woman who seems to fit that image. The third person has their own history, feelings, ideas, wants and desires which may or may not match yours. It's not until you actually engage with another person that you find out how well your respective needs and ideas match.
The more flexible you are willing to be in what you are looking for, and the more able you are to listen openly and empathically to the needs and desires of a third party, the more likely you are to be successful in your search.
How do you deal with jealousy?
This is one of the most common questions asked of poly people.
In monogamous society jealousy is often supported, in the sense that many people allow their partner's jealousy to control or inhibit their actions to some degree. Polyamorists experience jealousy just as intensely at times. We understand how painful and consuming it can be. However it is generally understood that we are all responsible for dealing with our own jealousy, and that it's unethical to use it to control a partner's behaviour.
The term 'jealousy' is often used to describe a number of different emotions. This may include envy (“I want what you've got”), inadequacy (“S/he is better than me”), insecurity (“I'm not good enough for you”), resentment because one's own needs haven't been met, fear of loss or abandonment, fear of change, and fear of losing control.
As with all other issues in polyamory, the first step in managing jealousy is to recognise it. Allow it, acknowledge it, identify the different feelings involved. Sometimes simply telling your partner/s how you're feeling can defuse intense emotions significantly. Poly people can sometimes feel embarrassed about feeling jealous, as though they have 'failed' polyamory. Judging yourself for being jealous, or trying to pretend you're not when you are, usually makes things worse.
Once you've identified the contributing emotions, jealousy becomes easier to deal with. Are you feeling envious because your partner is having more fun than you are? Work on building up your own opportunities for fun, socialising and developing contacts. Are there needs of yours that you feel aren't being met? Express your needs to your partner/s, friends, family, and negotiate with them ways of meeting your needs. Are you afraid that your partner will leave you for someone else? Ask your partner to be extra loving and attentive to you before they go out with someone else, to reassure you that they still love you and aren't leaving. Are you worried that you can't cope home alone while your partner is out on a date? Think of something you love doing that they don't enjoy, and plan to do it while they're out - turn it into a time you look forward to. Are you afraid of facing your own internal demons? Seek out a good poly-friendly counsellor.
Kathy LaBriola offers an excellent (if tough) program for desensitisation to jealousy, using visualisation. It takes time and commitment but it has worked for many people.
As with most poly issues the key usually lies in communication. Let your partner/s know what you're feeling and listen openly to what they're feeling. Many issues are readily resolvable between individuals with good communication skills. If you can't resolve it between you, ask for support from trusted poly-friendly friends. If that doesn't work, see a good poly-friendly counsellor.
So many answers, so little space!
Different poly people will give different personal answers, but some of the common reasons are:
- I fell in love with more than one person at once and chose not to choose between them
- I love being completely honest with myself and my SOs about my feelings
- It gives me the ability to ask myself honestly, "What do I really want?"
- I fell in love with someone who was poly
- I was born poly - it's who I am
- We tried swinging and it wasn't emotionally satisfying
- It grew out of sexual exploration
- It's such a rich interesting life
- I want to let every relationship find it's natural potential, without imposing artificial restrictions
- I love lots of sex with lots of different people
- It enlarges the love available on the planet, rather than diminishing it
What are some of the biggest issues polyamorists face?
Oddly enough, the most common problem polyamorists report is time management. If it takes X amount of time to maintain one deep relationship it takes at least 2X time to manage two relationships (usuallly more.) Successful polyamory requires a lot of time spent communicating with each of one's partner/s, lover/s, friends-with-benefits etc., in addition to time spent working, parenting, maintaining a household, and enjoying leisure pursuits. Relationship needs vary with the depth of the relationship but they all need input and work to sustain them.
A second common issue is the lack of appropriate poly-friendly professionals. It can be very hard to find a good poly-aware doctor, counsellor, lawyer or psychiatrist. Many therapists in particular will pathologise polyamory (i.e. blame polyamory for all problems within a relationship). This can blur the real issues and leaves many poly people feeling isolated at their point of deepest need.
A corollary of the lack of professional support can be the lack of social support from friends and family. Many poly people are not 'out' to family, friends or work colleagues because of realistic concerns about the impact disclosure would have. For people who value honesty this can be a significant cost.
Naturally jealousy is a significant issue for many poly people, especially for couples opening up a previously-monogamous relationship. (See "How do you deal with jealousy?")
One of the biggest challenges facing poly people is the comparative lack of communal wisdom on 'how to' successfully manage poly relationships. Information about monogamy bombards us daily from tv, the internet, radio, books, magazines, posters, billboards, newspapers, blogs, articles, research, journals, 'experts', therapists, friends and family, work mates, etc. The information may be good, bad or indifferent, but there is a a lot of it from which to choose. By contrast there is a paucity of information on polyamory and much of it is judgemental, emotive, poorly researched, or just plain wrong. Thus poly people tend to devour all poly-friendly (or at least non-poly-hostile) information wherever they find it. It can generate a sense of need to rely on each other's experiences for information and wisdom in tricky circumstances, and it can leave poly people feeling like they have to 'make it up as they go along' at times. Fortunately the poly community is growing daily, and is a remarkable resource of wisdom. So too is the collected recorded wisdom growing (see Resources).
There are some challenging experiences that are unique to poly relationships. Some examples would be:
(nb for 'partner' read 'lover', 'friend-with-benefits', 'fuck-buddy' etc as appropriate)
- My two partners don't get along and I'm caught in the middle.
- My beloved partner of three years wants to be monogamous with his/her new partner, causing me enormous pain.
- I've been offered a great job interstate, and one of my partners is able and willing to move but my other two aren't, nor is my partner's partner.
- I'm not out to my family, my sister's getting married, and I don't know which of my partners to invite to the wedding.
- I want both fathers present at the birth/on the birth certificate/respected as parents by the school/accepted as 'next-of-kin' for my children.
- All my beloveds are equally needy at once - how do I choose whom to support when?
- I've met someone I'm interested in; when and how do I tell them I'm poly?
- My partner says s/he's poly, is happy to have other lovers themselves, but gets upset every time I have a date.
Many issues in poly relationships are similar to those in monogamous relationships. Dealing with personal ego issues, knowing what you want, knowing how to ask for it, being able to listen to your partner, discerning between ego desires and genuine needs, setting boundaries on what does and doesn't work for you, prioritising time allocation, creating alone time, managing work and finances and children, learning true interdependence rather than co-dependence; these are common issues to all relationships. The only difference is that you can get away with less in poly relationships. Ego issues that one partner may put up with, another often won't, for example.
Thus poly people tend to have a higher-than-average emotional intelligence quotient - whether by nature or necessity is another interesting question.
How do you decide who sleeps where when?
The concept of negotiating sleeping arrangements intrigues a lot of non-poly people. There seems to be an expectation that the topic of sex and negotiating sexual contact should generate far more friction or awkwardness than negotiating other aspects of poly relationships. Possibly this is because in monogamy, sexual contact is invested heavily with meaning that perhaps is less heavily-weighted in polyamory. The assumption may be that the choice to sleep with one partner instead of another will generate jealousy, hierarchy, competition, resentment etc.
That can happen. For example it sometimes happens when person A has been with person B for some time, falls in love with person C and with the influx of NRE, wants to spend more time with their new love C than with their first partner B.
Problems usually spring from a lack of communication. In the above situation it would be important for A, B and C to keep communicating with each other about how they feel. A might choose to make a conscious effort to keep affirming to B how much s/he loves them, before going to sleep with C. B and C might choose to spend more time with each other, to minimise the potential for misunderstanding and resentment. B might need to work on the balance between expressing his/her feelings of being left out or less wanted, and accepting A's desire to revel in the new love. A might need to spend less time with C than s/he might otherwise choose, to maintain greater balance. C might need to accept that s/he can't have as much time with A as s/he would like. A and B would need to stay aware of the potential insecurity C might be experiencing as the newcomer on the scene.
For many poly people the reality is that negotiating sleeping arrangements is similar to negotiating dinner, shopping, dating, intimate time, financial commitments, hobby time, child-wrangling, or anything else where there may be a conflict of interest. Each person needs to be in tune with how they're feeling and communicate it to their partner/s. Creative solutions can then be negotiated so as to meet as many people's needs as possible.
Different poly people arrive at different solutions. Some people arrange their partners on a regular roster system (for an example, see the first episode of "Big Love".) Others prefer to remain flexible and respond to the needs or desires of the moment. Sometimes decisions are made on the basis of greatest need. At other times they are made based on opportunity or desire. Sometimes the hinge of the group will make the decision. Sometimes it will come from a group discussion.
Oddly enough, for many poly people the biggest issue can be getting enough time alone.
Do polyamorous relationships last?
Yes! :-)
When a poly relationship breaks down people are inclined to blame polyamory for the breakdown, and assume it can't work. Interestingly the divorce rate is over 50% and the average length of a first marriage is approximately 7 years, but that hasn't resulted in assertions that monogamy doesn't work. When poly relationships break down it's often for the same reasons monogamous relationships break down: incompatible expectations or personalities, lack of communication, the inability of the relationship to keep up with the changing nature and needs of the individuals, lack of self-awareness etc.
There is little research on anything to do with polyamory. No studies currently exist that accurately compare the 'success rate' of monogamy vs polyamory. However anecdotally there are many poly groups that have lasted for decades and lifetimes. In our own Australian poly communities we have many poly relationships of well over a decade or two, and poly people who have been happily and successfully poly all their life.
So yes, poly relationships do last.
Some of the common queries around polyamory and children include: What impact does a poly family environment have on children? When do you come out to them as poly? How do they react? What is the best way to be poly and impact positively on your children?
As with most things poly, there is limited academic research on the topic of polyamory and children and a lot of information is anecdotal. What little research has been done has returned the unsurprising finding that it is the quality of the relationships between the significant adults in a child's life which has the greatest effect on the child's emotional development, not the nature or structure of those relationships.
Poly parents' approach to poly parenting issues can vary significantly. Some are completely open about their relationship choices, answering any questions in an age-appropriate way. Others keep their relationships with other lovers at a distance from their children, maintaining an apparently standard nuclear family living arrangement, until their children are in their teens or even older.
As with any other life choice issue, you do your children no favours by living in a state of self-sacrificing misery "for the sake of the children". The best gift you can give your children is the experience of having happy parents. There is no guarantee that living a poly life will make you any happier than living monogamously - the journey to create a life that really works for you is individual, personal, and unique. Perhaps polyamory ends up in the final mix, and perhaps it doesn't. Either way, for the sake of your children, work out how to be happy.
How do you come out as poly?
When and how do you tell someone you're polyamorous? This question comes up regularly in poly discussion groups. As with all things poly, the answers are as numerous as the poly people you ask and the situations you're in. Possible responses include:
* Telling total strangers up-front before you know them, in order to avoid the heartache of getting attached and then finding out they're not open to poly
* Building a new relationship and developing a sense of trust first in the hope that that will enable the other to approach poly more openly
* Testing the waters first by bringing up general questions about alternative lifestyles or talking about past experiences of multiple relationships
* Leaving poly books lying around in the hope they'll generate questions
Most poly people agree that coming out to a potential lover is important relatively early on in a relationship, to avoid giving the impression you've been lying. However coming out to friends, family and workmates is a different ballgame. Many people work in positions which would be threatened if they came out at work (school teachers, for example). Many have families who would completely reject and ostracise them if they knew about their lifestyle. Many poly people choose not to be out in situations which would leave them feeling unsafe. As always, it's up to each individual to decide what works best for them.
