Relationships are hard enough at the best of times. Having been poly for almost 10 years, and with one of my relationships into its 25th year (yes, we were children ...), I have seen all sorts of relationship challenges.
My newest partner is new to polyamory, which has been useful in highlighting to me all the things that I now manage without too much thought, but that people who aren't in multiple relationships just never have to deal with.
The current issue my new partner is dealing with is maintaining one relationship while grieving another.
The first time someone broke up with him, it nearly killed our relationship, too. Grief is an incredibly powerful process, and it really takes a big person to be able to stay connected with a romantic love while grieving the loss of another romantic love.
I remember once when I was in that situation, wailing to my two still-with-me partners "when will I find someone who will love me properly ...?"
They made suitable soothing noises and didn't take it personally, thank God.
When it happened to my new partner, he just didn't know how to process all the emotions. He didn't know that free-floating anger is part of the grieving process, so he turned the anger toward me. Add in some parting shots from the departing girlfriend questioning the basis of his relationship with me, and there was a cocktail of collateral emotional chaos.
Fortunately, my man has the heart of a lion and the ability to find and follow his inner compass, and we got through that difficult time, with some very timely and powerful man-to-man support from my long-term partner.
Yesterday, my dear beloved no-so-newbie-any-more partner was let go by another lover, beautifully and gracefully, but dumped nonetheless, and this time is a very different experience.
He is just as torn apart emotionally, but he is open to me, sharing the pain with me, remaining connected and allowing me to support him through the experience.
As with any relationship, poly relationships are all about opening up, being connected, then opening up some more, and being even more deeply connected.
Grief can open us more deeply than almost any other experience, which means that times of grief can be deeply bonding times, if we allow them to be.
If we tense against the strong emotions and contract with our grief, we cut ourselves off from the loving support of all the people who are still with us.
Polyamory calls to us to respond to pain by opening, by sharing ourselves, by being vulnerable in our times of need, by becoming bigger people.
I honour and acknowledge my new lover for having the courage and strength to do just that, and I honour and appreciate my lifelong lover for the love and support he provides to both of us. You are both extraordinary people, who consistently choose growth over contraction, and I am astounded that I have the privilege of sharing your lives.
