What does it mean to be 'Poly'? and other stuff.
I think there needs to be a clear definition of what it means to be polyamorus or to come up with specific terms for varying types of poly relationships. Of course the word itself means 'many loves' but it is too vague and broad in scope. As Mr Shadow so correctly pointed out there are many types of love and many people you can love at the same time, wife, girlfriend, mother, father, brother sister etc.
While I have no objection to any form of relationship among consenting adults as long as there is no harm done to anyone, I find myself reluctant to be placed in the same category as those who choose the swinging lifestyle.
I guess my own circumstances are, if not unique, at least highly unusual. I had been a faithful monogamous husband for 27 years when I was confronted with a brand new partner (my wife's identical twin) who I fell in love with and who needed rescuing from a horrible marriage. We all ended up deciding that the only real option available was to live together as a threesome but with clearly defined guidelines on how to conduct our lives.
Obviously as the girls are twins we have had to find a way to deal with sexual issues so that no one feels awkward or uncomfortable. In the beginning we did try varying methods (including 3 in a bed) but found this wasn't the way we wanted to continue. The way it has worked out has become like two 'man and wife' partnerships under one roof but with the obvious difference that there is only one man.
We don't feel comfortable being lumped into the same category as those who chose the swinging lifestyle as our relationship, albeit a triad, is faithfull and committed. Swinging may be fine for those who wish to take on that lifestyle but it is one of the more extreme 'poly' lifestyles and it is regarded by mainstream society as very radical.
Personally I wonder why some people feel the need for a lifestyle that, at least on the surface, seems to be more about physical interaction than emotional bonding. To me casual sex is quite unthinkable as I feel physical pleasure without long term emotional bonding is rather hollow.
My perception of swinging relationships is that there is little or no long term commitment and without long term commitment, society at large cannot be expected to take these relationships seriously. In a long term loving and commited poly relationship you tend to put your partners needs before yours and a great depth of maturity is required from everyone involved. Although the sexual side of any adult relationship is important, it is the emotional bond that holds people together for life.
They way we look on 'poly' relationships is that the partners are committed to each other for the long haul. I think swingers lack that long term view and people come and go all the time. Although I have no problem with swingers wanting to be involved in the poly world I would still like to see a clear definition between that lifestyle and serious lifetime commitment. If these kinds of definitions are not made then main stream society will never take committed multiple relationships seriously.
Ok, I expect I am going to cop it for saying that but everyone has their own opinions and those are mine.
On to other things:
As my second partner and I have now passed the first anniversary of living as husband and wife we are regarded by Australian law being in a de-facto marriage. The fact that my first partner is still married to me and still living with me tends to complicate things as the law doesn't take account of that possibility. I did find the following legal advice on de-facto relationships:
"What is a de facto relationship?
Under section 13A of the Interpretation Act (1984), a de facto relationship is defined as “a relationship (other than a legal marriage) between 2 persons who live together in a marriage-like relationship”.
In deciding what constitute a “marriage-like relationship”, the Court may look at the following factors:-
the length of the relationship between the parties;
whether the parties have lived in the same residence;
the nature and extent of common residence;
whether there is, or has been, a sexual relationship between them;
the degree of financial dependence or interdependence, and any arrangements for financial support, between them;
the ownership, use and acquisition of their property (including property they own individually);
the degree of mutual commitment by them to a shared life;
whether they care for and support children; and
the reputation and public aspects, of the relationship between them (ie. how their relationship is perceived by others, do their friends and family see them as being a couple?).
It does not matter whether it is a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, or whether either of the partners is legally married to someone else or in another de facto relationship."
Quoted from a document by Butlers Barristers & Solicitors. (www.butlers.com.au)
This clearly states that it does not matter if either partner in a defacto relationship is still legally married to someone else. Of course the law does not expect partners in the defacto relationship to still be living with their legal partner but I suspect that if this is ever tested the law will have to hold that both the legal marriage and the defacto marriage are valid.
Defacto as defined by one dictonary means: 'Existing in fact whether with lawful authority or not.'
Ok, based on the fact that the law now regards both my relationships as valid how do things stack up agains tthe usual criticisms of a poly relationship.
Are we unfaithful? A dictionary definition of unfaithful states 'Having sexual relations with someone other than your husband or wife, or your boyfriend or girlfriend.' well in law both the girls are now legally in a husband and wife relationship with me so I am not being unfaithful.
Am I cheating? Well as we are all fully aware of the relationship and what goes on none of us can be regarded as cheating. As my second partner had already separated from her husband before any intimacy occurred then that definition does not apply to her either. Cheating is actually someting done by many monogamous couples. As defined by a dictionary to cheat means 'Deprive somebody of something by deceit.' well there is certainly no deceit involved in our relationship.
Is this a polygamous relationship? The dictionary definition actually states 'Someone who is married to two or more people at the same time' so on the surface my relationship looks similar to polygany but in law it means legally married to two people at the same time. Because a defacto relationship is also legal things get a bit hazy here but the law as written has not actually been broken. (It is a stupid law in any case.)
Ok then, are we in an adulterous relationship? Again we look to the dictionary that states: 'Extramarital sex that wilfully and maliciously interferes with marriage relations.' Since the relationships are both regarded as being in a married state and since there is no interference caused to either relationship this again cannot apply.
None of the common criticizms levelled at poly relationships actually hollds up when tested. Why is it that so many people are disturbed by the thought of a three way relationship?
From what I can see most of the criticizm stems either from religious beliefs, jealousy of just plain ignorance. People can marry many times over, partners can come and go through a lifetime and it is fine for this to happen as long as it happens in sequence and not in parallel.
So many so called monogamous marriages invole cheating and deceit. Huge numbers of marriages fail for this reason alone. Why is it so unthinkable that three people should have an adult loving and comitted relationship at the same time?
Do people in the mainstream think that it is all about sex? Do they imagine wild orgies and depraved sexual behaviour? Well (at least in our case) nothing could be further from the truth.
We spend most of our lives just getting on with daily living. We spend no more time engaged in sexual activity than most mono couples. Admittedly there is a little more of a competitive nature to sex in a three way relationship but that only serves to maintain more interest. Sex is not the 'be all and end all' of any relationship. It is an important but minor thing in the overall picture. To be honest if I was given the choice of having a deeply loving relationship with nothing more than cuddles and kissses and no sex at all or a relationship with all sex and no love then I would most certainly opt for the former. I can easily live without sex but I could not exist without love.
